The biter bit

It had seemed a good idea at the time: drill a hole in the wall, a couple of holes in fact, and attach with expanding bolts a bracket to which bicycles might be securely chained. That was a fortnight ago...or was it three weeks? No drill being to hand, I went along to B&Q on the Old Kent Rd and selected one I felt sure would be equal to the task, plus a couple of sturdy-looking masonry bits, one of 10mms diametre for the 140mms bolt excavations and one of 16mms diametre to countersink the bolt holes to 35mms depth for the casings. The handyman. Confident, well-equipped, up for it.

I donned my work togs and cracked on, certain it would be a five-minute job, just like all the other five-minute jobs which, over the years, have eventually necessitated the employment of a proper man. No, this one was worse. Much worse. I toiled away, hunkered down in the porch, wishing I had ear-defenders, knowing the confident, obliging smile with which I had set out so purposefully had changed to a nailed-on rictus of determination and then, slowly, fury. To say that progress was halting would be inaccurate: it was glacial. An hour's drilling equalled maybe 20mm. Day after day I had to break off to get showered for work or when I got bored shitless by the whole thing. Wearily I slogged, my precious mornings busted by the need to finish it.

By the end of last week, I had done 85mm of a 100mm brick and was praying that I was drilling into a cavity wall. However, the bit was totally shot - not even up to nose-mining. On Sunday, I walked into a hardware shop in Liverpool and selected the meanest-looking hard bastard of a drill bit I could find and brought it back. Vigour restored - I would be master of the wall after all. Yesterday I set to again, the new bit alarmingly long. Into the hole it went and I drove it hard. In a few minutes, I had made it to 89mm, then 93mm, then 95mm. The titanium tip was glowing red whenever it was withdrawn and the brick itself grew warm, the frictional heat in the drill hole being so fearsome. 97mm, 98mm. Nearly there. I drove it harder for one final effort and it came out of the hole smoking. I measured again - back to 90mm. What had gone wrong?

I bent to examine the bit and found the end had snapped off and was stuck, presumably at the point of breaking through the back surface. Grrrrr! So that's two drill bits up the spout and I haven't even got the first hole done. I'm going to bed in a minute, and when I get up later I shall be straight round to my little hardware man to see if he has an expanding bolt or a rawlplug into which a screw with a ring at the end can be driven. This is my last hope. Plan B involves grouting the hole with sand and cement and continuing to use the Tube to go to work. What a mess-up.

PS. All reasonable offers considered for an anti-theft bike bracket, packaging and receipt discarded.