Given all the recent caveats about health and so on, my mind has turned to musing on my own funeral which, naturally, I hope is a long way off. I'm just sorry I won't be able to enjoy it, though I can enjoy the prospect of it now and let my executors pick up the tab. The rough plan goes something like this: get turned to ash at Cambridge Crematorium without benefit of clergy and with something suitable by Motorhead on the Tannoy as the coffin slips through the curtains - Ace of Spades, maybe [hit the "Ready" button on link]? Someone will have to be deputed to conduct proceedings and to give a short address - the shorter, the better - which I shall write and leave paper-clipped to my will. It may just be: "He was an egotistical, double-dealing, under-achieving, malevolent twat who could occasionally be amusing. Now, fuck off the lot of you." Male mourners to attend in two-tone suits, wraparound shades and pork pie hats; the fems, made up to the nines, in pencil skirts, high heels and demi-veils. No bling. Afterwards, light luncheon followed by tea and cakes in The Orchard, Grantchester and, later, the casket to be emptied out under a big sky on a windy summer's evening down the road to Sedge Fen.
Who could ask for anything more?
PS: Is it too late to change the music to Bastille Day by Rush? It always animates me.
5 comments:
I'm not sure animation is the goal at a creamtorium.
No, but you could sure make a pile of money if you found some way of doing it. Never mind that, anyway... did you follow the link and hit the buttton? Did you approve of the dress code and what music would you select for your own setting sail?
The dress code is a great idea - it's hard to know what to wear to a funeral and would be so much easier if one just had to look the part.
I don't dare contemplate my own sail-setting. I hope the moment happens so quickly and completely (implosion leaving a little pile of ash?) that there's just no time to think about it. As for the after, I'd leave that to those left behind to sort out. I would hope, however, that vast quantities of alcohol would be consumed.
I have often toyed with the idea of a virtual cemetary - along the lines of Friends Reunited.
Say you were to snuff it - I could come along and write an obituary. Anybody could visit it and add their comments (if they paid me the fee). Each 'grave' would be recognised by an icon which could range in impressiveness according to how big an 'addon' fee you paid me.
I am not quite sure of the point of planning a non religious funeral though. The pleasure in it's eventual enactment is not something you expect to experience.
I suppose I want those who may see me off to enjoy some of the earthly and mostly innocent pleasures in which I have indulged. Couldn't really have a padre along as I have no faith. Equally, such prescriptiveness might be viewed as control freakery of the worst sort.
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